Assalamualaikum..
heyya people. It's been 3 days that I've cut myself since...something actually trigger my train of thoughts. This is one of the worst but it is all okay i guess.. I'm not planing to die or kill myself btw. I just wanna make everything come to sense. That I'm still breathing and walking by watching my own blood flowing. It was satisfying.
Read more »Labels: achievement, journal, life, memory
Today is one of those days, when you’re not sure how long you are going to stay in bed, because you know someone will come and make you get out.
It’s again one of those days, those days in which you feel so on edge, too tired to deal with people. One of those days in which you feel threatened without a reason.
It’s one of those days when you get dressed in automatic, without thinking, because you can’t force yourself to think.
You just don't want to think.
And so you get up to see everything is the same as always. Nothing has changed. You walk around your house. Ahead of you, you can see your mom standing by the door, and for a second, a small part of you believes you can go talk with her, a small part of you believes you’ll get to hear she complain and nag you because you’re slacking around and at this rate you might be useless for them , while you engage in a mindless small talk that would make your conflicting thoughts go away, but then a familiar feeling of bitterness bubbles in your chest.
She’s calmly take the life goes on...
Sure, if you approached right then and there there was a high chance she would give any task to you, telling what to do but the mere thought of invading what, at least at your eyes, seemed like an already closed circle made your stomach clunch.
So you walk away once she spots you and tries to coerce you doing the chores, you walk past them, saying you have better things to do. What a liar, you know there’s nothing for you if you walk away now.
But you do it anyway.
ha ha.
You find yourself on the couch. On your own. Like always.
You purposefully avoided your sisters, so that neither your dear siblings would see you wandering alone again. And that’s because today was another one of those days, days in which you’ll feel so, so threatened by everyone and everything, that you’d snap at the slightest comment towards you.
Comments and gestures that (you hoped and wished with all your heart) weren’t ill-intentioned, those small things that to others would pass off as a joke or a simple comment without second meanings would make you feel so exposed and weak and stupid in this kind of days.
So you sit down open up your games trying to get those thoughts away.
You wonder if you shouldn’t have skipped doing chores today. Maybe doing that is not bad at all and it would have actually gotten your mind away from these feelings. Or maybe they would’ve made them worse. Maybe you would’ve snapped at them when they hadn’t done anything wrong to you, maybe you would’ve just strained your (non-existent…?) relationship with them because you were just so, so stupid and careless and insensitive and useless-
Wait.
No.
No. You can’t let those thoughts get the worst of you. Not again.
No.
You swore you wouldn’t
You swore it.
You swore you’d stop thinking like this.
You swore you’d stop being so childish and spoiled.
Because you hated being childish and treated like a child.
Besides, now you have people to look after, you can’t let others look after you anymore.
Not when you have them. Or all those lovely friends who would approach to you for advice. Hell, you even have Family to look after.
So you can’t keep being like this.
So that you can protect them all.
So that you can put them all together or find a way to avoid them breaking before your eyes.
You can’t be weak.
You can’t be childish.
You have to grow up.
You have to protect them.
You laugh at yourself in your mind, because aren’t you just a really big hypocrite?
Your mind wanders back to that one time you saw your sisters getting along with the other siblings, back to that mixed feeling of pride, relief, jealousy and envy.
Aren’t you a hypocrite?
Aren’t you playing protect with them because you wished someone did for you the same things you are doing for them?
Aren’t you being an ungrateful brat because your alters did their best to protect you in that dreadful past of yours?
You’re projecting your weak, useless self onto your friends and your family who the hell you really loved with you whole heart. How dare you doing that, you stupid, useless, ungrateful brat.
Take a deep breath.
You can’t let it happen.
Oh no.
It’s happening.
It’s too late now.
You can’t stop thinking now.
Looking down, you can’t really remember what the hell makes you think like this.
You want to know.
Compared to last year, compared to your whole life before this, you practically have it all. Everything you wanted and everything you could ever want to be happy. You have it all so what fucking right do you have to complain?
Everything is your fault.
You have no right to complain. You have it all. You have had it all since you were born. You are just stupid. Childish. You are just being petty. You don’t have any right to complain.
So now, why the hell are you crying?
What did you ever do to deserve the right to cry and try to blame your problems on someone else?
It’s all your fault.
I don’t want you to treat me like a child. I don’t want to be protected. I don’t want to give up on either on life. I don’t want to give up on my family. I don’t want to give up on being your friend.
I don’t want to give up on anything, but everything hurts so, so much.
You are afraid now.
Because you remember you have been staying up late doing nothing these days. Because you remember how hard it has been for you to get away from your bed, reading.... and do literally anything for more than a couple minutes without giving up.
They are going to worry, and you feel anger rising from your chest.
Because oh, how you hate it yet love it so, so bad when they approach you because they know you have been neglecting yourself doing whatever the hell you do when you are here, because you hate and love their worry, their attention and care. You want them to come, but at the same time you don’t want them to come.
Because what could you ever do that was worth their time and attention?
You reach for your arm, resting your hand there, trying not to scratch it because you know that’s going to hurt and you hate pain so so so much you can’t stand the idea of hurting yourself because you’re so afraid of what will happen after and then you--
You breathe, and suddenly wonder why you keep being like this.
You wonder if there is a reason. You want to know.
At this point you’re not sure.
You don’t even know what it is that you hate the most.
Is it the noisy emptiness that makes you want to scream and cry when you’re with other people and still feel alone? Is it the deafening silence that makes you want to run away and hide when you’re alone and still want someone to be with you without them having to see you?
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because everyone is going to hate you anyway. Whatever you do, you can’t help but feel watched and exposed.
So when you want to say something to someone, you don’t. You instead chose the easy way out, doing the same thing everyone expects from you.
Nobody expects anything but cryptic nonsense and an almost sunshine disappearance from you anymore.
That’s what you made yourself to be at their eyes.
So it’s all your fault.
Why are you still trying to hate them then? Why are you still trying to think they’re in the wrong when it’s all your fucking fault?
It’s your fault.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Are you okay? Who hurt you? What hurt you?
You can’t think of an answer, you just keep going around in circles because you don’t have an answer.
Then again, did you ever have one to begin with?
You came here because someone told you. You stayed here because you felt you had to. You are still here because someone said they loved you.
But do you actually want to stay?
Is this really something you want?
Is it even okay for you to want something?
Would you actually be forgiven if you truly, desperately wanted something?
Do you deserve that right? Do you deserve that right, when all you can do is complain and cry in an empty room because you’re a useless coward who can’t reach out for help and instead reaches out to help others?
You don’t, do you?
Because you’re pathetic, because you don’t want them to know how pathetic you truly are.
You can’t burden your friends or your Family anymore, for they are carrying their own wounds and working their own issues and you’d only be (again and like you’ll always be) an unnecessary burden they don’t have to take care of.
You can’t possibly break the other’s trust in you, you can’t show them the pathetic true self you hide or let them see your weakness, not when they have done nothing wrong, not when they're having such a good life. You can’t take that away from them. You can’t. You just can’t.
And yet.
You want someone, anyone to reach out to you.
Anyone would be fine, anyone.
In moments like this, all you can think of is how you wished there was someone with you who knew everything about you and helped you pick up the few broken pieces of yourself you let fall on the floor and kept you together.
But there was no one.
Because you wished to have someone with you so, so badly and still pushed away everyone who tried to actually approach your heart.
Because you hate it.
You hate it when they try to get close, because your heart is so, so ugly and disgusting and pathetic, just like you.
You hate it because you know they are going to say the same thing, that you need to put on more effort even when you know and you swear you’re doing the best you can and you hate knowing it’s still not enough and it will never be enough.
Because you know, you are so, so sure you’re not broken. Not yet.
You’re just a bit mended.
No one is going to care.
Because others have been through hardest and cruelest things than you have.
Because you can still act like it’s all okay after a few hours.
Smile would be nice, be shine and bright.
Because you’re going to force yourself to forget all these feelings in a few hours and then feel ashamed and afraid because you know they’re going to come back when you least expect it.
But… you suppose there must be a reason for you to keep going on.
Because no matter all those times when your eyes would stay focused on the knife you’re using to cook or unboxing/unwrapping parcel , or when your fingers would twitch when you had knives or scissors close to you, or those times when you got sick and accidentally spilled your foods or whatever they are when you only wanted to take one and suddenly felt anxious seeing them scattered on the table, or when you would run away and hide in this same room after driving to anywhere for whatever reason and feeling afraid of approaching a little too close for your comfort, when you wondered what would happen if you actually did any of the things that flashed through your mind.
Would everyone else be sad? Mad?
Of course they’d be mad, because you’d be such an idiot, ungrateful brat who can’t see all she has and kept complaining for no reason at all until the end.
Yeah…
That must be it.
Maybe you’re just being an idiot.
Maybe.
Maybe you’re just… confused.
You don’t know.
And still… even if all your friends are just waiting for an excuse to throw you away, even if all your family turn their backs on you, even if the whole world comes crashing down on you…
You suppose there must be something special, something magic inside of you.
Because they were smiling when they said ‘Thank you’ to you.
Because they told you you had saved them.
Because they told you they couldn’t live without you.
Because they told you they’d be happy if they got to be with you.
So you suppose there must be a reason to believe this is the right choice. Staying in this room for a while, crying over what you feel is nothing and afterwards keep going, maybe you could go and tease your family, or you could hang out with friends or fangirling in you group chat.
Maybe you could read. Maybe you could go out together and spend time together doing something besides chores.
Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find more reasons to keep going if you don’t stop walking now.
// i just found away to be alil bit expressive where i can see i'm actually cannot,
ahaha im sorry.. but it's okay for trying right?
Fara,2334, Sept 12, 2020
Labels: life
Assalamualaikum..
heyya people. It's been 3 days that I've cut myself since...something actually trigger my train of thoughts. This is one of the worst but it is all okay i guess.. I'm not planing to die or kill myself btw. I just wanna make everything come to sense. That I'm still breathing and walking by watching my own blood flowing. It was satisfying.
Read more »Labels: achievement, journal, life, memory
Today is one of those days, when you’re not sure how long you are going to stay in bed, because you know someone will come and make you get out.
It’s again one of those days, those days in which you feel so on edge, too tired to deal with people. One of those days in which you feel threatened without a reason.
It’s one of those days when you get dressed in automatic, without thinking, because you can’t force yourself to think.
You just don't want to think.
And so you get up to see everything is the same as always. Nothing has changed. You walk around your house. Ahead of you, you can see your mom standing by the door, and for a second, a small part of you believes you can go talk with her, a small part of you believes you’ll get to hear she complain and nag you because you’re slacking around and at this rate you might be useless for them , while you engage in a mindless small talk that would make your conflicting thoughts go away, but then a familiar feeling of bitterness bubbles in your chest.
She’s calmly take the life goes on...
Sure, if you approached right then and there there was a high chance she would give any task to you, telling what to do but the mere thought of invading what, at least at your eyes, seemed like an already closed circle made your stomach clunch.
So you walk away once she spots you and tries to coerce you doing the chores, you walk past them, saying you have better things to do. What a liar, you know there’s nothing for you if you walk away now.
But you do it anyway.
ha ha.
You find yourself on the couch. On your own. Like always.
You purposefully avoided your sisters, so that neither your dear siblings would see you wandering alone again. And that’s because today was another one of those days, days in which you’ll feel so, so threatened by everyone and everything, that you’d snap at the slightest comment towards you.
Comments and gestures that (you hoped and wished with all your heart) weren’t ill-intentioned, those small things that to others would pass off as a joke or a simple comment without second meanings would make you feel so exposed and weak and stupid in this kind of days.
So you sit down open up your games trying to get those thoughts away.
You wonder if you shouldn’t have skipped doing chores today. Maybe doing that is not bad at all and it would have actually gotten your mind away from these feelings. Or maybe they would’ve made them worse. Maybe you would’ve snapped at them when they hadn’t done anything wrong to you, maybe you would’ve just strained your (non-existent…?) relationship with them because you were just so, so stupid and careless and insensitive and useless-
Wait.
No.
No. You can’t let those thoughts get the worst of you. Not again.
No.
You swore you wouldn’t
You swore it.
You swore you’d stop thinking like this.
You swore you’d stop being so childish and spoiled.
Because you hated being childish and treated like a child.
Besides, now you have people to look after, you can’t let others look after you anymore.
Not when you have them. Or all those lovely friends who would approach to you for advice. Hell, you even have Family to look after.
So you can’t keep being like this.
So that you can protect them all.
So that you can put them all together or find a way to avoid them breaking before your eyes.
You can’t be weak.
You can’t be childish.
You have to grow up.
You have to protect them.
You laugh at yourself in your mind, because aren’t you just a really big hypocrite?
Your mind wanders back to that one time you saw your sisters getting along with the other siblings, back to that mixed feeling of pride, relief, jealousy and envy.
Aren’t you a hypocrite?
Aren’t you playing protect with them because you wished someone did for you the same things you are doing for them?
Aren’t you being an ungrateful brat because your alters did their best to protect you in that dreadful past of yours?
You’re projecting your weak, useless self onto your friends and your family who the hell you really loved with you whole heart. How dare you doing that, you stupid, useless, ungrateful brat.
Take a deep breath.
You can’t let it happen.
Oh no.
It’s happening.
It’s too late now.
You can’t stop thinking now.
Looking down, you can’t really remember what the hell makes you think like this.
You want to know.
Compared to last year, compared to your whole life before this, you practically have it all. Everything you wanted and everything you could ever want to be happy. You have it all so what fucking right do you have to complain?
Everything is your fault.
You have no right to complain. You have it all. You have had it all since you were born. You are just stupid. Childish. You are just being petty. You don’t have any right to complain.
So now, why the hell are you crying?
What did you ever do to deserve the right to cry and try to blame your problems on someone else?
It’s all your fault.
I don’t want you to treat me like a child. I don’t want to be protected. I don’t want to give up on either on life. I don’t want to give up on my family. I don’t want to give up on being your friend.
I don’t want to give up on anything, but everything hurts so, so much.
You are afraid now.
Because you remember you have been staying up late doing nothing these days. Because you remember how hard it has been for you to get away from your bed, reading.... and do literally anything for more than a couple minutes without giving up.
They are going to worry, and you feel anger rising from your chest.
Because oh, how you hate it yet love it so, so bad when they approach you because they know you have been neglecting yourself doing whatever the hell you do when you are here, because you hate and love their worry, their attention and care. You want them to come, but at the same time you don’t want them to come.
Because what could you ever do that was worth their time and attention?
You reach for your arm, resting your hand there, trying not to scratch it because you know that’s going to hurt and you hate pain so so so much you can’t stand the idea of hurting yourself because you’re so afraid of what will happen after and then you--
You breathe, and suddenly wonder why you keep being like this.
You wonder if there is a reason. You want to know.
At this point you’re not sure.
You don’t even know what it is that you hate the most.
Is it the noisy emptiness that makes you want to scream and cry when you’re with other people and still feel alone? Is it the deafening silence that makes you want to run away and hide when you’re alone and still want someone to be with you without them having to see you?
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because everyone is going to hate you anyway. Whatever you do, you can’t help but feel watched and exposed.
So when you want to say something to someone, you don’t. You instead chose the easy way out, doing the same thing everyone expects from you.
Nobody expects anything but cryptic nonsense and an almost sunshine disappearance from you anymore.
That’s what you made yourself to be at their eyes.
So it’s all your fault.
Why are you still trying to hate them then? Why are you still trying to think they’re in the wrong when it’s all your fucking fault?
It’s your fault.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Are you okay? Who hurt you? What hurt you?
You can’t think of an answer, you just keep going around in circles because you don’t have an answer.
Then again, did you ever have one to begin with?
You came here because someone told you. You stayed here because you felt you had to. You are still here because someone said they loved you.
But do you actually want to stay?
Is this really something you want?
Is it even okay for you to want something?
Would you actually be forgiven if you truly, desperately wanted something?
Do you deserve that right? Do you deserve that right, when all you can do is complain and cry in an empty room because you’re a useless coward who can’t reach out for help and instead reaches out to help others?
You don’t, do you?
Because you’re pathetic, because you don’t want them to know how pathetic you truly are.
You can’t burden your friends or your Family anymore, for they are carrying their own wounds and working their own issues and you’d only be (again and like you’ll always be) an unnecessary burden they don’t have to take care of.
You can’t possibly break the other’s trust in you, you can’t show them the pathetic true self you hide or let them see your weakness, not when they have done nothing wrong, not when they're having such a good life. You can’t take that away from them. You can’t. You just can’t.
And yet.
You want someone, anyone to reach out to you.
Anyone would be fine, anyone.
In moments like this, all you can think of is how you wished there was someone with you who knew everything about you and helped you pick up the few broken pieces of yourself you let fall on the floor and kept you together.
But there was no one.
Because you wished to have someone with you so, so badly and still pushed away everyone who tried to actually approach your heart.
Because you hate it.
You hate it when they try to get close, because your heart is so, so ugly and disgusting and pathetic, just like you.
You hate it because you know they are going to say the same thing, that you need to put on more effort even when you know and you swear you’re doing the best you can and you hate knowing it’s still not enough and it will never be enough.
Because you know, you are so, so sure you’re not broken. Not yet.
You’re just a bit mended.
No one is going to care.
Because others have been through hardest and cruelest things than you have.
Because you can still act like it’s all okay after a few hours.
Smile would be nice, be shine and bright.
Because you’re going to force yourself to forget all these feelings in a few hours and then feel ashamed and afraid because you know they’re going to come back when you least expect it.
But… you suppose there must be a reason for you to keep going on.
Because no matter all those times when your eyes would stay focused on the knife you’re using to cook or unboxing/unwrapping parcel , or when your fingers would twitch when you had knives or scissors close to you, or those times when you got sick and accidentally spilled your foods or whatever they are when you only wanted to take one and suddenly felt anxious seeing them scattered on the table, or when you would run away and hide in this same room after driving to anywhere for whatever reason and feeling afraid of approaching a little too close for your comfort, when you wondered what would happen if you actually did any of the things that flashed through your mind.
Would everyone else be sad? Mad?
Of course they’d be mad, because you’d be such an idiot, ungrateful brat who can’t see all she has and kept complaining for no reason at all until the end.
Yeah…
That must be it.
Maybe you’re just being an idiot.
Maybe.
Maybe you’re just… confused.
You don’t know.
And still… even if all your friends are just waiting for an excuse to throw you away, even if all your family turn their backs on you, even if the whole world comes crashing down on you…
You suppose there must be something special, something magic inside of you.
Because they were smiling when they said ‘Thank you’ to you.
Because they told you you had saved them.
Because they told you they couldn’t live without you.
Because they told you they’d be happy if they got to be with you.
So you suppose there must be a reason to believe this is the right choice. Staying in this room for a while, crying over what you feel is nothing and afterwards keep going, maybe you could go and tease your family, or you could hang out with friends or fangirling in you group chat.
Maybe you could read. Maybe you could go out together and spend time together doing something besides chores.
Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find more reasons to keep going if you don’t stop walking now.
// i just found away to be alil bit expressive where i can see i'm actually cannot,
ahaha im sorry.. but it's okay for trying right?
Fara,2334, Sept 12, 2020
Labels: life